Discipline: Structure and Grace

Discipline comes in many forms. There is physical discipline, of which I thought I knew about until I started running marathons. There is work ethic, which really is a job related discipline to do and be all that you can for your place of employment. There is spiritual discipline, which help to smooth out the rough spots of faith that inevitably will come. Then there is disciplining your children...which makes all of the other forms of discipline seem easy.

Last night in a small group I lead, as we were discussing what discipline looks like in a home that is trying to follow an almighty Father God, I came to a realization. Discipline is really a combination of structure and grace. Yes, it takes both. No, there is no magic formula.

Much like the discipline I had to learn in marathon training, there is a rhythm a "structure" if you will, to discipline. But this must be constantly injected with grace. Here's what I mean.

I have a set training schedule when I begin to prepare for races. Mondays and Wednesdays are workout days. I have a simple focus that involves some complex movement leg and arm exercises. Tuesday, Thursday and Saturdays are running days (there is a formula to it...but that is another blog...). Fridays are a flex day, sometimes body weight bearing workouts and sometimes runs. Sunday's I take off...completely for rest and recovery.

Here is where the grace comes in. Sometimes I choose to run on Monday night, with my favorite running group, instead of Tuesday morning. Sometimes I miss a work out. Sometimes I move a run to Friday. There is flexibility to listen to my body. There is grace when I miss. I just pick up the next workout/run or modify.

Disciplining our children works much the same way. My goal number one to help the children realize that the reason they are being punished isn't because they did something "bad." Instead I want them to realize we are helping them to reach their full potential of what God created them to be and become. So I want them to fully understand what specifically it is that they did wrong. Take time with them, explain the "why" as much or more than the "what" of what they did wrong.

Secondly, I want them to know how much I love them. I really desire what is best for them and their life and that's why I can't allow this unhealthy habit or action to continue. They need to know they are loved. This may need to happen multiple times throughout the process.

Thirdly, I want them to understand the act of asking for forgiveness. Our world could really use some people in it that understand taking responsibility for their actions and asking forgiveness appropriately. This means asking for forgiveness from those who they may have hurt, from their parents, from God, and from themselves. By the way, if you didn't handle yourself well in the heat of the moment when correction was needing to be given to your child, this is a good time to ask their forgiveness too.

Fourthly, administer appropriate punishment for the action. If possible this needs to be predetermined so that you don't get caught up in the moment. If you are married you should consult your spouse if possible (especially if it is a bigger offense or not something with a predetermined discipline). There is no silver bullet to punishment. It's different for every child. It's different for every family. The key is consistency and follow through.

Lastly, leave the child space to think about his/her actions and the subsequent punishment. We don't often enough ask our children to reflect upon their actions, what lead to those actions, who they were following, why they did what they did...you get the picture. Let them sit in it. Let them stew in it. Then when they come back around show them love. Love them and remind them that they are a good kid and this is just part of growing up and becoming a Godly man or woman.

At all steps in this process be quick to give grace and love. Sometimes we overreact as parents. Sometimes we come down to harshly. Sometimes we aren't tough enough or fail to follow through. Give yourself some grace: you're not a perfect parent! Give your children some grace: they aren't perfect either!

Our ultimate goal in parenting, as in life, is to draw those around us to a loving relation to our Father in heaven. In everything we do, we have the challenge reflecting the Father's love, to draw them near to him, to let them see our struggle with it as well. We are praying for all of you, who like us, struggle with this on a day to day basis. May you know the Father's love for you, as you seek his wisdom in every situation.

Proverbs 3:5-6, 11-12
⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

¹¹ My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline,
    and do not resent his rebuke,
¹² because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
    as a father the son he delights in

(Basic structure adapted from "Dedicated: Training Your Children to Trust and Follow Jesus" 
by Houser, Harrington, and Harrington) 

Your Children's Faith: Listening for Who's Voice?

I've recently started meeting with some parents of teenagers. Often we focus so much on the teens, that we forget the single largest influence on a teenager isn't the church: it's their parents!

Last night we looked at 1 Samuel 2-3, well we started into chapter 2 but never made it over to chapter 3. Here, in chapter 2, we get insight into what happened with Eli and his sons. They chose not to honor God in their actions, and because of this God cut off Eli's lineage. Instead, God said that he would raise up "a faithful priest, who will do according to what is in my heart and mind" (vs. 35). Wow, I want to raise up my children to be faithful to do what is in God's heart and mind. But how do we do that?

It starts with us. I know that wasn't the answer you wanted. But if we want our kids to be faithful to God and to walk in his heart and will, then we have to be faithful followers that are seeking His heart and will. What is God's heart and will for us?

We get a little picture of this in the next chapter with Samuel hearing God's voice. So often we wish that we could just hear God's audible voice to tell us what to do, how to live, what's next. But I don't think God's voice is the key to chapter 3. The key is in Eli's wisdom in how he tells young Samuel how to respond. "So Eli told Samuel, "God and lie down, and if he calls you say, 'Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening.'""

Eli is teaching Samuel how to be open to the voice of the Lord. To wait patiently for him to speak. How to listen. And then how to walk closely with Him.

If we teach our children nothing else we need to teach them how to be listeners. They have to learn to listen for His voice before they can learn to walk in His ways. How do they listen for the voice of the Lord? How do they listen to those who are in authority over them? How do they listen to their friends? How do they listen for the voice of those who can't or won't speak up for themselves?

Children need to learn how to listen. Parents need to learn how to listen. I need to listen.

How is God teaching you to listen for His voice?

Your Children's Faith Begins With You

I woke early yesterday morning, you know the pre 5 am, why am I awake and can't go back to sleep, kind of awake. As I lie there in bed I began to pray and just talk to God. Now don't think too highly of me or that my spirituality is so great that I wake up at 5 am praying. The reality is, I was half way hoping that praying would send me back to sleep (much like it seemed to work for the disciples in the garden of Gethsemane).

After laying there for about 30 minutes it became obvious that I was not going back to sleep. I got up, went out to the couch, and began to read my Bible. God keeps sending me to Ephesians 4 this week...but that is another post.

I read and prayed for the next 30 minutes or so and then I heard a door open and out comes my son. He is an early riser anyway, but on this morning he had a bad dream and came out with a tear in his eye. He snuggled up on the couch with me and asked what I was doing. I told him that I was reading my Bible and praying. He said, "We haven't done that in a while, I wonder where my Bible is."

I pointed over to the shelf where his Bible was sitting and he went over and grabbed it (in case you are wondering it is the age appropriate version of The Story). After a bit of looking, he wanted to read the story of Sampson and we did. Then he wanted to know where the stories about Jesus began. I helped him find the New Testament section and he began to read on his own.

There we were, together on the couch, reading our Bibles. That is how discipleship begins. I look forward to more of these precious times with my children as they learn and grow in their faith!